Reading a parenting psychology book is very interesting indeed. You think your parents knew it all -but guess what. They may know more than you do but they don't know it all -yet.
The mind of understanding evolved through time and remarkably moulded into shape it was baked. What a child understands imply simplicity yet of nothing inferior if compared to an adult's. Then of course an adult's mind are made to differenciate, to justify and to make a decision. The big difference is the mind of an adult demanded to be acknowledged, to be noticed and has a desire to be fulfilled. As compared to a child's -what you give is what it takes. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Rebellious child so I was. My words when empowered by my mind is deadly. Mom knows that very well. Indeed, too well. 'You don't love us equally!!' I yelled before I slammed the door behind me, hard. Coming from a chinese background, she knows love is to provide. That is how she has been loved by her parents and that is exactly how she is going to show her love to us. Because she doesn't know any other.
Mom married to her first love and she was 24 when she had my eldest sister. She just came out of college and before you knew it, she has not one, not two but three girls running in her hallway. I never recall her having her friends over to have a girlie-over-the-tea talk. Nor did her relatives visited often. She went to work every morning with her infamous scooter and when she was at home, we occupied, conquered and depleted all remaining energy she had. After all that, it took me 28 years to realise that -we (her children) were and are her bestfriends...
Mom ensured all her children has sufficient books/school utensils/anything that signify knowlegde. She went down to Sibu (from Song, Kapit) every month to stock us up with work books -now I think about it I don't know how she does what she did. On each trip she will bring one of her children with her -by turns. Being a teacher and a mother (awful combination), she appeared to me as most horrifying human being. When I wasn't as quick as my fella sisters in reading alphabets she generously spread her arms around me. No, not hug.
She dressed us up. She dollied us with make-ups. She showed her 8, 6, 5 year old to pose. So that when we are old enough to appreciate our childhood pictures, we will know so many silly things we did. And as I was browsing through those pictures, as fun as they appeared to be -she wasn't in them. When we are looking at pictures we always leaves behind the person who actually saw it first via the camera's small tiny mirror -the person who captured the magic.
With all three girls running in and out, who barely hold their position still, who cried because the other was pulling her hair, who solely cares about themselves -she selflessly enduring this one way love- is simply MIND BLOWING. I reckoned mom loves spoiling us with pretty dresses, embracing us with home hair treatment but a child is so eccentric that all you care about is yourself and the importance of everything else to just fall around you -that I think when we weren't looking, she did feel lonely.
The way my mom loves might be a boring one. She might not be as exciting and colourful. But doesn't mean that she loves any less. She is very not expressive and as I learned, she choose not be because she doesn't want to be vulnerable. Being a father/mother, one always think one need to have control and authority which I think is necessary but too much of anything is too much for nothing..
Rebellious indeed. My mind needs a constant revolution and for what I am -it's her. For she mould me not to be like her but better. Like what she has always did and always will be -selflessly loves me.
MY SPECIAL MOM =))
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